This post is a continuation of my story of becoming Miss USA. You can read about what it was like to win Miss USA in part 1 here.

My First Week as Miss USA

After landing in New York from Las Vegas the night before, it was now 5:30 am and I needed to be awake for my first day of media and television interviews. Back then, this was known as Media Week. The first week of Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA’s reigns was always dedicated to introducing the new winner to national and international media outlets. Day 1 was always the busiest, but the interviews and appearances were typically packed into the first 3 days in New York. With the first morning news appearance being at 8:30 am, I needed to be in hair and makeup at the Miss Universe apartment at 6 am. The same makeup artist who did my makeup for the Miss USA telecast was back in New York and was chosen to do my makeup for my media week, and a professional hairstylist was brought in to do my hair. E showed up at the same time, and SD had been awake with me from 5:30 to make sure I had something to eat. At 7 am, AC was knocking on the front door holding a large garment bag full of clothes that had been selected in my size the day before to wear for my interviews. There were going to be multiple outfit changes throughout the day (fine by me – I love living life like Downton Abbey and changing clothes often!). With my makeup done and my curls securely placed, it was time to change into outfit number 1 and rush into the Miss Universe car where M was waiting to take me, E, a member of the MUO PR team, and the MUO media team (to film behind the scenes of my media week for Youtube) to my first on-air interview at NBC’s The Today Show. I was then taken to the Fox News national morning broadcast for another interview along with a fun little gig getting to do the weather report, and then at Fox 5 News they surprised me with a visit from Buddy Valastro (the “Cake Boss” and also from New Jersey) because I was a big fan of his. He presented me with a delicious cake that I got to bring back to the Miss Universe apartment. 

Shortly after that, I was immediately brought back to the Miss Universe apartment where I was to have another outfit change. AC pulled out a black and white, puff sleeved Stella McCartney dress. I made a face when I saw it. E could tell I didn’t like it, and politely told me this was selected purposefully for the next set of interviews and that I should give it a chance. This is so funny to me now because I would KILL to wear that dress today. I reluctantly put it on, and we were out the door shortly after and back in the Miss Universe car. First, I did a satellite on-air interview with a Los Angeles news station where they had me do a fun Star Wars pop quiz. Next was an on-air interview with Extra in Times Square, and then I filmed a segment for E! News. In between all these on-air interviews, I was also conducting phone interviews – one of them being my NJ hometown newspaper – in the car while being driven through New York’s crazy traffic. I was also trying to keep all our pageant fans updated with my day on the Miss USA social media channels on my brand new Miss USA phone. Yes, Miss USA got a second phone for her year that would be solely for work purposes – social media, work emails, texts with the MUO team, phone calls, etc. All of that was to be done on the Miss USA phone. Your Miss USA phone had to go with you everywhere. 

Finally, it was lunchtime. I was brought to the Miss Universe Organization’s office for the first time to have lunch with the team. I was also given a tour of the office, which took up the entire 16th floor of a building off Sixth Avenue that had glimpses of Central Park 3 blocks away. As I mentioned in my previous post, it was directly across the street from the Miss Universe apartment building, which made it extremely convenient for everyone to have access to each other. This is where I got to formally meet everyone – the MUO in-house lawyers, the licensing team, the state pageant coordinators, the entire media team, the finances team, the press/media relations team, A (the Miss USA manager), EP (the Miss Teen USA manager), O (P’s assistant who happened to be from the town next to my hometown), and more. I was also reunited with P (the president) and SM (the vice president). The office was large with two large conference rooms, several having their own private offices, and a communal office area with lots of desks. It was all extremely professional but also very overwhelming for me as a new titleholder. 

After a lunch break with the team, the interviews continued. A lot of interviews in the afternoon were phone interviews in the Miss Universe conference room, but before we knew it we were back in the car because I was on my way to ring the closing bell for the New York Stock Exchange at 4 pm. This concluded a very long, whirlwind first day in New York since being crowned Miss USA. I had not even been in New York for 24 hours yet, and I had not even been Miss USA for 2 full days. I had just spent a whole day talking about my life, my interests, and my plans for the year as Miss USA. My voice was tired. My feet were tired. All I wanted to do was put on my pajamas, take off my makeup, and decompress. When I got back to the Miss Universe apartment, SD ordered us some food and put on that past Sunday’s Game of Thrones episode that I missed, and we vegged out on the couch together. My first media day was done. 

At 7 pm, I got an email from A, the Miss USA manager. It was my itinerary for the next day – Media Day 2. This was to be the norm for the next twelve months. Every single night, I would get a finalized itinerary from A letting me know everything happening the next day down to the hour. My wake up time was 5:30 am again, so I went off to bed hoping to finally get some more sleep than I had in the last few days. The next day was another round of on-air media interviews. My makeup artist, Y, was back at the apartment before the sun came up to get me ready. Was it exhausting? Yes. Did I care? No. This was only day 3 as Miss USA, and there was still so much more to come. 

After lunch on the second day of media week, I changed into a black dress for an interview with Sirius XM radio. Shortly after that, I was brought just a block away from the MUO office to Trump Tower to meet my boss for the next year – Donald Trump. Yes, Trump was my boss. At the time, he owned the Miss Universe Organization. Usually, Trump attends the Miss USA pageants, but he had a scheduling conflict for the 2011 event and was in Scotland during my pageant. I didn’t get to meet him until a few days after. Before meeting him, E and P went over some rules about when you meet him, such as you don’t offer your hand for a handshake unless he offers it first, etc. It all felt bizarre because I had heard that’s the kind of thing you do when you’re meeting someone like Queen Elizabeth II but nevertheless, when I stepped into his office, he immediately put his hand out for a handshake. I know I sat down briefly to chat with him, although I don’t remember what we talked about at all, and then we posed for some photos for the media together before it was time to go. That meeting is a bit of a blur, but I do remember thinking that I hoped I would be a good enough titleholder and not to let him down. 

Every day, I was in the MUO office going over so many details with almost every department. I went over contracts with the legal team. I went over bank details to the finance team so they could begin direct deposits of my Miss USA salary. Yes, Miss USA was paid a yearly salary. I was paid every 2 weeks from the start of my reign until exactly 12 months after (even if your year isn’t a full year, you’re still paid for 12 full months regardless). I also had meetings with E, P, A, and MUO’s PR team about my interests and some things I wanted to do during my reign. I told them I was very interested in doing things involving cooking and food, and they were immediately ON IT finding opportunities for collaborations and media appearances.

After 3 days of media interviews, I was most excited about what awaited me at the end of my first week as Miss USA – my first official photo shoot as the new queen. At the time, every Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA would have their first official photo shoot done with the famous and award-winning photographer Fadil Berisha. It was something that fans of the Miss Universe Organization eagerly anticipated after a new queen was crowned, especially since these would be the titleholder’s official headshots for the year on autograph cards, the Miss Universe website, social media, etc. But this shoot was going to be extra special for me not just because I was getting to participate in my first photo shoot as the reigning Miss USA, but because Fadil Berisha was a huge part of my life at that point. 

Back in 2007, when I was Miss New Jersey Teen USA, my state directors arranged for me to have my official photos done by Fadil Berisha. He was known as the official Miss Universe photographer then too, so it was a really big deal to get your photos taken by him. My mom accompanied me to New York for the day, which started early and ended quite late because we had a lot of fun shooting. Fadil made me feel like a supermodel. I had never done a professional photo shoot before, and the whole experience was a bit intimidating at first. There were so many bright lights. There were so many people on set – makeup artists (this is where I first met Y!), hair stylists, fashion stylists, assistants, etc – all watching me be a bit of an awkward stick as I figured out how to pose. Luckily, Fadil showed me how. He gave me tips on how to pose with my body and what to do with my face. His comments during the shoot made me feel more and more natural at it. He kept showing the images on his camera to my mom, and then finally at the end of the shoot he asked us if I had ever considered being a model. I had not. Before then, I wanted to work with killer whales. He gave us the information of an agent he worked closely with and to give them a call if we decided to try out this path for me. 

It was Fadil who started my modeling career, and so I owed a lot to him. He’s the one who essentially taught me how to model. Now, 4 years later, I was shooting with him as the new Miss USA – a title he told me he knew I could win if I worked hard enough. At 8 am, the Miss Universe car picked me up and drove me, A, the MUO media team, and E to Fadil’s studio. It was a long day but a really exciting one. Fadil already knew how to photograph me and we decided to be bold for the first shoot. I don’t remember how many looks we shot, and there were frequent hair and makeup changes, but it was such an exciting, happy day. I was unusually shy at this shoot with Fadil because I was still overwhelmed that Fadil was shooting me as the new Miss USA. I could feel how proud Fadil was of me, and that feeling carried me throughout the day. My first week as Miss USA was coming to an end, and it was time to get to work. After several nights with SD as my housemate, she went back to her own apartment in the city and X came back from vacation. It was just me and Miss Universe alone in the apartment now.

Before Miss Universe

Winning Miss USA means you get the chance to represent the entire United States at Miss Universe later in the year, so your competition days are not yet over. In fact, Miss Universe is the biggest international beauty pageant in the world so now there would be even more hard work to do to prepare. Back in 2011, Miss USA had a team to help get her ready for Miss Universe. I won Miss USA in mid-June, and Miss Universe was going to be held in mid-September with my arrival in Brazil being in mid-August, so I really only had July to prepare for Miss Universe. Not long into my reign as Miss USA, the team began asking me what I wanted to do in regards to Miss Universe. 

What kind of gown did I want? I met with Sherri Hill at her NYC studio at the time and tried on different gowns with AC. We eventually customized a navy gown that I would wear for the final telecast. Back at the MUO office, AC had also arranged for some sample gowns from other designers to be sent and for me to try on. I immediately fell madly in love with a blue Georges Hobeika gown, trimmed in golden lace. It felt modest, regal, and different from other gowns that were known to grace the Miss Universe stage. I selected that gown for the preliminary competition. While AC worked on looks for me for all the events at Miss Universe, which required a few trips to some designer showrooms, LS was brought in to give me a walking refresher in the Miss Universe apartment. We spent the day going over walks, poses, and even facial expressions. Knowing what my gowns were going to look like helped me practice. 

I was also introduced to the MUO sponsored nutritionist and the MUO sponsored fitness trainer. Both were to help me during my entire reign, not just for Miss Universe prep. Also for the entirety of my reign I got to select whatever makeup I wanted from the MUO makeup sponsor, whatever hair care I wanted from the MUO hair care sponsor, and whatever shoes I wanted from the MUO shoe sponsor. All manicures, pedicures, and even spray tans paid by myself were to be reimbursed by the MUO finance team if I provided the receipts. Grocery delivery at the Miss Universe apartment was arranged by the MUO team as well. All I had to do was give them my grocery list and they would pay and arrange for the items to be delivered via Fresh Direct (although most of the time I would want to get creative on a night off and cook something last minute so I would run to the store to buy what I needed). If I needed to see a doctor? There was a great doctor’s office down the street that would be covered by MUO. Since I am not a natural redhead, I needed to get my roots dyed every 5 weeks if they wanted me to keep the red hair, so they sent me to a salon and hair stylist they approved of and covered all the bills. Needless to say, if Miss USA needed something, all Miss USA had to do was ask. What is this life?!

In between all the Miss Universe prep, I still had appearances as Miss USA. I was flown to Los Angeles to walk the red carpet and attend the premiere of Captain America: The First Avenger, which was one of my first major red carpet appearances as Miss USA. I was also flown to the Bahamas for the crowning of the new Miss Teen USA. Back then, the Miss Teen USA pageant was held at Atlantis in the Bahamas and live streamed on the internet. I was reunited with my state director, S, and we got to have some relaxation time together before I was whisked off to hair and makeup to present onstage at Miss Teen USA. D was crowned as the new winner, and she would be my sister queen for the rest of the year. We got to fly back to New York together, and then she got to stay at the Miss Universe apartment in the 3rd bedroom during her media week until we all would leave for Miss Universe in Brazil in mid-August. 

Immediately after returning to New York from the Bahamas, I was packing my bags again because the Miss Universe Organization had secured an awesome deal for me – I was going to be competing on the new Food Network competition series Rachael vs Guy: Celebrity Cook Off. Remember when I said that shortly after my win, the MUO team went to work finding opportunities for my interests? This was one of those opportunities. The show would consist of several celebrities cooking for the chance to win $50,000 for our chosen charity. The show was conveniently filmed in New York, but they wanted all celebrity contestants at the same hotel for easy transport of everyone to and from the studio each day. The MUO team helped me move some suitcases to a nearby luxury hotel where I was to stay until filming concluded, which all depended on how long I lasted on the show. 

I had never filmed a reality show before, especially not a competitive reality show. I was excited but absolutely terrified. When I entered the filming studio and saw which celebrities I was going to be working with, I was in shock. How was I considered a celebrity next to Coolio? Cheech Marin? Lou Diamond Phillips? Aaron Carter? Joey Fatone?! They were all to be my co-stars for the duration of filming. They all immediately made me feel welcome and I was so thrilled to be there… until it was time to meet the hosts. I had admired both of the hosts for some time, especially one of them who’s cooking shows I basically grew up on. I used to sit at the TV and watch their shows with a notebook and would take notes. All celebrities were lined up to meet the hosts, and I was placed at the very end. The host that I had long admired said hello to everyone with a warm smile and a big hug… until they reached me. No hug. No smile. Not even a hello. Just a very long look up and down my body before snapping at me, “You need to eat more” and they walked off. My heart was crushed. This was someone I had watched on TV for years and really admired. They didn’t even take the chance to speak to me. They just made an awful comment about my body and walked away. I was trying not to cry because everyone was looking at me. The other host saw how uncomfortable I became and they immediately came up to me and began chatting with me. I really appreciated that, but after that moment I felt like I was permanently on the other host’s “shit list.” They were never nice to me once throughout filming, even though I still so desperately wanted them to like me. I still smiled at them even though they never reciprocated. I felt so stupid and awkward, like some pathetic wannabe. I just had this constant feeling they wanted me gone as soon as possible, and so they got their wish. I was eliminated in the second challenge, which my teammates Coolio, Joey, and Cheech were LIVID about. 

I can’t really go into detail about what happened during filming of that show, but let’s just say that one host’s behavior plus how I was eliminated really screwed with my head. What ended up being shown on TV isn’t the whole story (it never is). I felt like a pathetic joke. I felt stupid. I felt little. I went back to the hotel where they told me I could stay at the hotel as long as I wanted, but I just wanted to go back to the Miss Universe apartment as soon as possible and return to my job as Miss USA. The issue regarding my body wasn’t just down to that awful host. I had been losing weight since becoming Miss USA due to several factors out of my control. Stress plus my digestive system do not mix well, and naturally having a fast metabolism would certainly aggravate that. I also had undiagnosed stomach conditions that would not be discovered until an endoscopy 3 years later. Unbeknownst to me, someone at MUO had asked D to make sure I was eating. When I found out, I felt like I was being spied on. I was eating. I swear I was. But this was only the beginning of the brutal talks surrounding my weight, and I became so self conscious. 

Before I knew it, it was time to fly to São Paulo, Brazil for 4 weeks to compete at the Miss Universe 2011 pageant. The entire MUO team had already flown down the day before I did to set up before all 80+ arrivals of contestants from around the world. They flew me down from New York, very generously in first class, and upon arrival 10 hours later, I was greeted by MUO staff who put me and a few other contestants in a mini van for our long drive into the city center at our host hotel. Pageant fans are good and they find out details as soon as they possibly can, so by the time contestants began arriving at the host hotel, fans were already lining up to say hello to their favorite countries. All the other ladies were dressed impeccably, but I showed up in casual jeans and a red backpack with minimal makeup and zero hair styling. I didn’t realize I was going to be photographed immediately upon arrival. At Miss USA, I pulled up to the valet in my car wearing sweats and no one was waiting for me, so I kind of expected the same at Miss Universe. I should have known better!

I won’t get into details about my Miss Universe experience because I have already discussed it here and here. Feel free to read about my experience in those posts.

Immediately after Miss Universe

Miss Universe 2011 was ultimately won by the gorgeous L. She stayed on in Brazil for an extra day of media appearances before flying to New York, but I was flown back to New York immediately the following day after the pageant. P recognized that I really struggled at Miss Universe, and she encouraged me to take time off (Miss USA usually gets some time off after Miss Universe if she wants). The entire MUO team was about to be busy getting L situated in New York like they had done with me, and she was going to have a very busy media week in New York. I could have just laid low in New York, but instead I chose to fly to Vancouver to be with Tor for a week. I basically hid at his apartment during most of that time, sleeping as much as I could and attending one or two Canucks games. After a week went by, it was time to return to New York and continue my reign as Miss USA. 

The first 3 months of my reign were dedicated almost entirely to Miss Universe, and so my homecoming in California as the new Miss USA was postponed until after the international competition. Just a few days after returning to New York, I was back at JFK airport with A and the MUO videographer flying out to Los Angeles for my homecoming. AC had arranged all of my homecoming looks for me, with the outfit I was supposed to wear labeled next to each event in my itinerary. I was put up in a suite in a nice hotel on the border of West Hollywood and Beverly Hills, with A in the room next door. 

On my very first night in Los Angeles, I was due to attend a dinner with several former Miss California USAs to celebrate my win. It was all arranged and I had a lovely dress to wear for it, but not long after arriving at the hotel, I began to have an anxiety attack. After Miss Universe, it felt like I mentally came back as a different person. As I mentioned in this post, shortly before I won Miss USA I began to see a therapist due to some major depressive episodes. It had been months since I had seen a therapist or even discussed my mental health with anyone. I was overwhelmed. I just couldn’t get my shit together and put on makeup and a nice dress and pretend everything was okay for a few hours. Was it the most professional thing to do? No. Was I really struggling mentally and emotionally? Yes. Pulling out of a dinner was one thing – pulling out of one of the many school appearances we had scheduled was not going to be an option unless I was physically dying. One former Miss California USA that I was quite close with, R, came over to keep me company that night. We ordered room service in pajamas and spent the night talking. I had not seen my friends since my win in June, and I really needed a simple night to just cry and talk to someone without it being on camera or in heavy makeup. 

My homecoming wasn’t exactly the homecoming I thought it would be, but I guess that was to be expected when I was clashing heads with one of the directors of the state pageant. At my own homecoming, I was treated like a footnote. Their main goal was to recruit more entrants for next year’s edition of the state pageant, which is understandable since more contestants means more money, but I was lucky if I got to speak more than a few words. At every event of my homecoming, I was joined by a recruiter who hogged most of the allotted time we had speaking at schools or even on-air interviews. I was an afterthought. I felt like a plastic doll or a prize piece just standing off to the side. The only consolation I had was when a teacher and several students berated the recruiter for what they had to say after they had finished speaking. I felt so uncomfortable by this person that I eventually put my foot down. I told A that I refused to do any other appearances unless this person was off the guest list, which media stations started to happily oblige. At those interviews, I was finally able to talk about my charitable causes and what life was like as Miss USA openly and freely. Prospective contestants don’t want to hear from a creepy recruiter about what the pageant is like – they want to hear from other contestants or the actual winner. Otherwise what are they working towards? It doesn’t matter though because the following year’s state pageant had even more record breaking contestant numbers, so I guess it still worked out for them.

Life as Miss USA

After my homecoming, it was time to really hit the ground running as Miss USA. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and one of Miss USA’s major platforms during her reign at the time was breast cancer awareness. We partnered with a major foundation to spend the month dedicated to the cause. My grandmother had also been diagnosed with breast cancer the month before, so spending the month working on behalf of this cause was incredibly close to home. I worked with several foundations dedicated to breast cancer research, including one that involved speaking to women on the street in low income areas to encourage them to get a mammogram conveniently and inexpensively available in a high-tech van. I attended many gala dinners where there were auctions to raise funds for breast cancer research. I was also flown to Los Angeles to participate in my first (and last) marathon on behalf of breast cancer research. Shortly after that, I was flown to Boston to promote a collaboration between Susan G Komen and New Balance. It was a very busy month for me as Miss USA, with additional trips to Los Angeles and a quick trip to Las Vegas, but A was with me every step of the way. She attended every event with me, and accompanied me on every trip. She made sure I was where I needed to be, she made sure I spoke to the right people, got the right photos for the media, and she was able to escort me away someplace if I ever felt uncomfortable. 

When I was not walking red carpets, participating in photo shoots, being interviewed on television, waving in parades, visiting schools, or traveling around the country, Miss USA was still hard at work. We rarely had days off. Rarely. I’m not even saying that as a bad thing. If I didn’t have a major event scheduled during the day, I was booked to spend my time volunteering. I’d often spend several hours in the afternoon volunteering at Gilda’s Club (renamed Red Door Community), which is a center that provides free cancer support to patients and their families. Most volunteer work with Gilda’s Club was helping them in their offices. They’d set me up in my own little office where I would help create invitations, cards, write thank you’s, etc. Another charity I loved spending time at was God’s Love We Deliver, where we would spend hours cooking and packing nutritious meals for those who are too sick to cook or shop for themselves. I made several friends there and always looked forward to my volunteer days there. I even requested extra volunteer days. I loved taking the C train to Spring Street during the early morning rush hour to arrive in their extremely large kitchens before 9 am. I loved cooking meals and I loved plating everything that needed to be delivered that day for lunch and dinner. On a few occasions, I got to join the drivers as they handed out the meals to recipients, which meant getting to meet some very interesting people with incredible life stories.

December was probably my busiest month as Miss USA. This is also where my mental health began to go much more downhill. Looking back, that December was a dream month for a Miss USA titleholder at the time. Had I been taking better care of my mental and also physical health, I would have been able to handle what was to come a lot better than I did. At the beginning of the month, I traveled with P and E to Florida on behalf of a charity event for kids with cancer. Right after our arrival, we got to spend the afternoon at a princess party for the kids. It was so much fun seeing little girls dressed in their princess best, all wanting a chance to try my crown. I loved talking to all those strong warriors and their families, but the next day I had a massive anxiety attack in the middle of the gala dinner. I told E I wasn’t feeling well, and she brought me to the bathroom where I had a massive anxiety attack in the stall. I was then panicking because I was having an anxiety attack at an event, and I started to dry heave. It was embarrassing and mortifying, especially with E waiting outside the stall hearing all of this. Eventually, I was able to pull myself together, and I stepped back out and smiled as if nothing had happened. 

I was home in New York for barely 48 hours before I was trekking across the Atlantic to Europe for the very first time. This was a very big event that I was flying to Cannes for (not Cannes Film Festival), so it was a very large group of us essentially taking up the first class cabin and checking into the famous Hotel Martinez. L and D couldn’t make it on this trip, so it was just me, members of the MUO team, some of my fellow international queens that I competed with at Miss Universe, a couple of other media celebrities, and some….. very interesting people with pretty interesting background stories. At the time, I never looked into everyone’s life story of all the people I met during my reign since I trusted whomever MUO had me in the presence of. I never felt unsafe or uncomfortable. I was never left alone without someone from MUO present, except for when I went on a small solo walk around Cannes shortly after arrival which was a no-no at the time. Miss USA was to never leave the hotel without her manager when they traveled abroad, and I’m not ashamed to say I broke that rule this once because I was just so excited to be in France. I grabbed a hot chocolate and happily snapped a million pics on my Blackberry. 

This was my first time in Europe, ever. Being Miss USA had given me the opportunity to travel to South America AND Europe in the first half of my reign. We frolicked around Cannes, Nice, and Monaco as we celebrated individual award winning restaurants and hotels at this week-long event. Cameras followed us everywhere, and the busy week concluded with a gala dinner where I was seated next to the President of Georgia. Six months ago, I was just a girl from a small town in New Jersey, competing at Miss USA, and now I was wearing the crown and sitting with world leaders. Looking back, I can’t help but shake my head and giggle because in hindsight this trip was a bit of a chaotic “what the fuck?”. But back then I just went with the flow and showed up where I needed to be. I rarely questioned anything unless I was super uncomfortable. It was actually a really fun trip and one of my favorites as Miss USA. In a way, it was a slight preview into the career I would eventually create for myself post-reign.

After a week, I returned to New York for less than 24 hours before I was on a plane again to Los Angeles for the first annual American Giving Awards which were televised live on NBC. It was my first time presenting at an award show on television and my first time reading a teleprompter. It’s not as easy as it looks! I did my own hair and makeup for this event and P was the one who escorted me down the large red carpet. I was sharing the stage with legends like Donald Sutherland and Colin Farrell (both extremely kind and friendly, by the way). How was this real life? After barely a day in LA, I was back on a plane to New York where I got to lay my head down on my pillow for one night before being back on a plane with A the next morning to North Carolina to attend and film for WWE’s Tribute to the Troops. After an insane two weeks of intercontinental and transcontinental travel, I was officially off duty for the holidays. I was back on an airplane AGAIN traveling back to the west coast to spend Christmas with Tor and his parents in Vancouver. 

December was BUSY, and it was an incredible month, but because I was so busy I barely had a moment to breathe or even pay attention to my mental health. My life was overwhelming. Impostor syndrome doesn’t even begin to describe it. I was a celebrity, but I wasn’t. I was famous, but I wasn’t. Who was this person being flown across the world to attend all these major events like she deserved it? Did I deserve it? It all still seemed so bizarre to be happening to me. It was all so strange how it just became my life overnight, and it was not going to last forever. One day it would all end and be as if it was just a dream, a fleeting experience that would make me feel worthy one minute and unworthy the next.

When It Started To Get Dark

This is where my reign began to get dark. This is where my mental health began to take a massive downward spiral. At this point, I had been Miss USA for six months. Half of my reign had already gone by. I had traveled the world, I had met so many inspiring people, I had attended numerous major events in New York and around the country, I had competed at Miss Universe, I was dedicating a lot of my time to volunteering, I was being photographed for magazines, and I was living rent-free in a 3 bedroom luxury apartment in midtown Manhattan. I was living a dream life and I was grateful for all of it. I was living the life many wanted and would be competing hard for in their state pageants and at Miss USA. But most of us know the hard truth that mental health disorders do not discriminate. They do not carefully select who is struggling and who isn’t. It can affect anyone. And while this life sounds extraordinary, it can come at a cost when you’re not prepared for it.

I was 21-years old when I won Miss USA. At the time, I didn’t feel that young because I was certainly not the youngest Miss USA to ever be crowned, and younger Miss USAs got through their reigns just fine. But looking back on it, I was personally too young for it. The responsibilities you have as a titleholder in those days were a lot for someone who was not used to it. Some people welcome those changes easily, and others have a harder time. I fell into the latter category. It’s so exciting getting to introduce yourself to the world because the world wants to get to know you, but it is also terrifying and extremely overwhelming. Everyone wants to talk to you. Everyone wants a picture with you. Yes, I had a big team behind me. However, even with a team guiding you it still is extremely nerve-wracking and anxiety inducing. I was smiling on the outside for everyone else while masking my anxiety and depression on the inside. Maybe I felt this way because I had been already struggling with my mental health for some time, and if I had addressed it sooner perhaps I would not have been as scared as I was a lot of the time as Miss USA. Perhaps I would have been a better titleholder. I was becoming closed off, which is not a great quality for a national winner, and the mask I had been wearing was beginning to fade.

Trigger warning: self harm.

6 months into my reign, I had a massive mental breakdown. I couldn’t explain to anyone what was happening inside me. I no longer felt in control of myself. In a way, it felt like some strange, out-of-body experience. I wasn’t me. One evening, I was on the phone with Tor and my mood just shifted hard. I became bitter and mean, and it just wasn’t the real Alyssa speaking on the phone anymore. It felt like everything that I had been bottling up was coming out like emotional vomit, almost like something dark was within me. Suddenly, I just began screaming uncontrollably. I began to take scissors and commit self harm on my own body right there in the Miss USA bedroom. L heard me from her bedroom, which was next to mine, and she tried to open the door but I had locked it. She kept knocking and shouting my name. She immediately called E and P and, since P lived in the same building as us at the time, she was in our apartment within minutes. I don’t remember anything else from that night beyond that. I don’t remember how anyone got into my room. I don’t remember if I said anything. I just remember screaming. I know P called my mom, who lived nearby in New Jersey, and explained what happened. My cuts were assessed and luckily I did not need stitches. Although now it was 2 in the morning, P arranged for a car service to bring me to my mom’s house an hour away. She cancelled my entire week and had me remain at my mom’s to recover. 

For several days I barely left my mom’s bed except to pee. I barely ate. I didn’t look at my phone. I mostly just slept. I went from having extreme, severe emotions to almost being an undead zombie with zero emotions. My mom stayed in touch with P about me, who checked in often to see how I was doing. As I laid there in bed, I felt certain that MUO was going to fire me. I was a problem titleholder. I was a liability. I was extremely mentally unwell and I needed help. I was convinced they were going to dethrone me and give the crown to my first runner up, deeming me unfit for the job. Maybe I was unfit, after all. Maybe I should give the title to the first runner up. She’d be a better Miss USA than me. This wasn’t how I wanted my reign to be. This wasn’t how I wanted to be remembered. Who would want to work with me after I revealed to everyone that I am a fragile mess? When I finally spoke to P, I asked her if she was going to fire me or if she thought I should quit. Her response? “Only if you want to, but we don’t certainly don’t want you to. You’ve done nothing wrong. If you want to quit, that’s your call. If you do want to come back, we would be happy to have you. We can set you up with a psychiatrist that you will get to see weekly.” I spoke about it with my mom, and ultimately I decided to remain as Miss USA. I truly wasn’t ready to give up. After a few days at home, my mom accompanied me back to New York where she helped me settle back into the Miss Universe apartment. I remember seeing E there not long after I arrived. She saw my cuts and had this extremely sad look upon her face. I’ve never forgotten it.

To my surprise, P knew how much I enjoyed cooking and that it was therapeutic for me, so she enrolled me at the New York Institute for Culinary Education. From 9 am – 5 pm, I was going to be taught professional ways to cook. I was going to learn how to make clafoutis and make the perfect roast chicken, among many other things. It wasn’t a cheap course, and MUO was footing the bill just to have me do something that brought me joy. In the end, we all ended up benefiting from it because after this course, I began to cook more at the apartment for the MUO staff. The media team ended up creating my own segment on the Miss Universe YouTube channel regarding food and cooking afterwards, too. It was so fun to film every month!

I also had my first session with my new psychiatrist that MUO arranged for me – Dr. S. She would bring her emotional support dog Moshie to every single one of our sessions so I could cuddle a fur baby while we spoke. I was so grateful to be able to have weekly sessions with Dr. S and I was grateful to P for encouraging me to go. The darkness that I had felt making its wicked breakthrough still hung over me like an ominous cloud. I was worried this darkness would linger over me for the entirety of the rest of my reign. We uncovered a lot about my mental health over the next 6 months, and she encouraged me to try some light anti-anxiety medication to try to get some of my struggles under control. I wish I had seen her the first week I became Miss USA. In hindsight, I think that would have changed SO MUCH about how I handled the whole year. After my experience, every Miss Universe and Miss USA until 2020 was given the option to see a therapist throughout their year, all covered by MUO. 

New York Fashion Week

While attending an event at Carnegie Hall with A and L in early February, A whispered to me that if I wanted to head out at any time I was free to go because I had done enough of what was expected of me at the event. She suggested I take the next day to rest. I asked why. She said, “Because next week is fashion week, and you’re going to be BUSY.” Of course I was familiar with New York Fashion Week. At the time, it was owned by IMG and sponsored by Mercedes-Benz, held at the iconic Lincoln Center which, thankfully, was not too far from the Miss Universe apartment. Two years prior, I had walked in my very first New York Fashion Week as a nameless model for several shows. As Miss USA, I would be walking in a few shows but also sitting in the front row as a VIP guest. A had hinted that the week was going to be chaotic. It wasn’t until I snuck into E’s office to see my Miss USA calendar of activities that I realized just how chaotic my New York Fashion Week itinerary was going to be. 

Not only were we attending 2-3 shows every day, but we also had so many fittings because we were being dressed by the designers. It was wild. It was mayhem. It was THRILLING. L, D, and I were driven to and from Lincoln Center in the Miss Universe car. Photographers followed us as we walked arm in arm into the tents, with E following closely behind. Inside, the flashes of the cameras became even more blinding as we were photographed sitting in the front row before each show began. It was an extremely exciting week getting to attend Custo Barcelona, Zang Toi, Venexiana, Rolando Santana, and more. We attended 11 shows in 5 days – our feet were killing us by the end! L and I also had the opportunity to walk for Sachika, and we both felt right at home on the runway. This was my first true taste of New York Fashion Week as a spectator and I loved it. I loved the inspiration I saw on the runways and I loved getting to play dress up for a week.

This was also the month that I connected with a charity that was really close to A – Cookies For Kid’s Cancer. This foundation raises funds for pediatric cancer research through gorgeous bake sales. Together we worked on a way that we could collaborate together, and MUO came up with the idea of me hosting a baking class at the same cooking school they sent me to when I was mentally struggling. The baking class was advertised as getting to bake with Miss USA for charity. The class was sold out immediately, with the proceeds of the tickets going to Cookies for Kid’s Cancer, and we learned to bake 4-5 different types of cookies. While the students got to take some cookies home, I personally delivered the rest to pediatric patients at Sloan Kettering Memorial Hospital on Valentine’s Day. I met some pretty strong kids that day, with one girl in particular still very much on my mind. I think about her often. She must have been only 4 or 5, but her young personality was fire and you could tell she was a fighter. The sass that she had was unmatched. She walked around the pediatric floor with me, and at one point she showed off her walking skills. I don’t remember her name, but I really hope that one day she was able to go home cancer-free. I continued to work with this cause long after my reign, with my ex-husband and I even making a large donation on behalf of our wedding guests in 2016.

Springtime as Miss USA

The next month, in March, L, D, and I traveled to Germany with E for a week-long tour with an organization that involved getting to meet Americans living abroad, particularly high school students and their families. For 7 days, we got to speak with students about their life and living abroad, and we got to learn more about military bases. We traveled around southern Germany on a large tour bus, which became our home for the week since most of our drives between stops would take several hours. It was my first time on a real tour bus with bunk beds and everything. There was even a shower on the bus! But most of the time, the three of us would just fall asleep on the back couches after talking and laughing for hours. In between our appearances, our driver took us to some amazing local restaurants in small towns outside of Wiesbaden, Stuttgart, and Frankfurt. I still remember that amazing trout I had! We also got to visit a local flea market and all of us took home some keepsakes to remember our trip to Germany together.

Shortly after returning to New York from Germany, I participated in several working photo shoots for Sherri Hill. Any money I made from any commercial shoot went directly to the Miss Universe Organization and not to me, since the organization was paying me a salary. I didn’t mind at the time because I was getting to play dress up and spend the day with some of my favorite people, like Sherri and Fadil. In early April, I returned to Los Angeles with P and E to attend some red carpet events, grand openings, and also walk in some fashion shows that L and D got to attend as well. After my obligations were done, I was allowed to stay in Los Angeles with Tor for an extra few days. Even though I was still going to be Miss USA for another 2 months, P had already encouraged me to start thinking about what I wanted to do after my reign ended. Did I know where I wanted to live? Did I know what I wanted to do with my career? So, while I was in Los Angeles, Tor and I began to look at a lot of apartments and I also had meetings with several major modeling agencies. It didn’t take us long to find a 2-bedroom apartment we loved in Studio City, and in the end I decided to return to my old modeling agency from before I won Miss USA because I was already familiar with them.

A Nightmare Comes True

Trigger warning: sexual assault.

After returning to New York, my schedule was slammed. I was attending event after event, red carpet after red carpet, making speeches after speeches. When I wasn’t working, I was volunteering and having many sessions with Dr. S. It was extremely good to keep busy. I cannot reiterate enough just how busy I was. I was also finally feeling less and less of a troublesome Miss USA and more and more like the titleholder I wanted to be. I had created a really nice routine for myself. I had even begun to document my daily outfits on my newly created Instagram account, taking OOTD photos in the Miss USA mirror, listing each brand, and hoping to inspire others to “dress like Miss USA.” I was the first Miss USA to do this, and little did I know that this would be a glimpse into my future career as a style influencer. 

Then, one day a nightmare came true. Throughout my entire reign as Miss USA until this point, I had always been a little worried I might run into an ex of mine. I briefly mentioned them here in this post. He sexually assaulted me when I was 19 (I have trouble saying the “r” word regarding what it specifically was), and he really messed with my head. It had been two years, and I was still feeling like what happened was my fault because I had willingly gone to his home that night. Dr. S was already well aware of this event, as we had been discussing it since the very beginning. What I haven’t mentioned yet is that since my win as Miss USA, he was messaging me often. Actually, let’s say what it really was – he was harassing me. I should have blocked him. I really should have. But I didn’t. None of the conversations were pleasant. I was trying to stick up for myself and defend myself whenever he came at me, saying I had no reason or right to suffer from depression, and that my new boyfriend was most certainly cheating on me while I was Miss USA because that’s just natural for men (he was trying to break us up). I was always scared of running into him while in New York. Luckily, that never happened. Until it did. 

I was at a fundraising event with A and D on behalf of one of the many charities we worked closely with. We were spending time raising funds, taking goofy photos with school kids, and mingling with other celebrities. Then suddenly I turned to the left and I saw him enter the event. This was my first time seeing him in two years. My heart stopped. I felt my body temperature rising. I felt sweat appear on my face out of nowhere. I was frozen. I couldn’t move until suddenly I began to breathe heavily. D noticed and asked if I was okay, I turned to her with a panicked expression and said I had to leave. D told me to hold on to her hand and she would help get me to A, who was on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, this meant having to walk towards him. D could feel me shaking. I put my head down, but it was too late. He saw me, or at least my red hair and Miss USA sash gave it away. He beelined for me as D was trying to get me away. He tried to say hello and gesture to take a picture with me, but I buzzed right by. D got me to A, who saw me starting to fall apart. Her face went from smiles to immediate concern. All I could say as I hyperventilated was, “He’s here. He’s here.” “Who’s here?”, she asked. I had not told them. I didn’t tell anyone at MUO about him. I simply said, “An ex.” Based on how I was reacting, A could tell this wasn’t just an ex. She quickly asked the MUO media team to stay behind with D as she got me out of there immediately. As soon as we got into the elevator, I collapsed. I couldn’t catch my breath and all I wanted to do was scream. A desperately tried to reach P, and when she did she explained what happened. P said she would call Dr. S for an emergency session ASAP. The Miss Universe car wasn’t expecting any of us to be done at the event yet, but A wanted me out of there as quickly as possible so she put me in a waiting taxi back to the Miss Universe apartment. While I was in the taxi, with tears streaming down my face, he began to text me. His texts were….. awful. Berating. Insulting. Evil. Apparently I had embarrassed him by not stopping to say hello in front of everyone, and he threatened to embarrass me publicly to get back at me for that. I called Tor to tell him what was going on, as he was one of the very few who knew the true story about my relationship with this person, and he told me to show the messages to P. P got me in with Dr. S within the hour for a much needed two hour session, and after some more encouragement from Dr. S, I showed P the text messages and revealed to her the whole story. 

P was horrified. She was so sympathetic and told me from now on, she would take care of it. She went into full “mama bear attack mode.” She began to prepare the MUO in-house PR team as well as the PR team on retainer that if this person was ever on the guest list, that I would not be attending. She told me that if he ever messaged me again to show her every single message he sent. She also began to prepare for if he made good on his threat about humiliating me. Luckily, when I spoke to a friend the next day about what had happened, she contacted my ex and chastised him. She warned him not to do anything to me or contact me again because I had a whole organization and two PR teams ready to fight if he tried anything. She told him to leave me alone, if not for my sake then for his. He did not contact me again or even try to contact me again until 2017, during the Me Too movement and I think you can guess why. It certainly wasn’t to say sorry. He repeatedly kept trying to friend request me until I left the request unanswered which made him unable to keep requesting.

So why am I sharing this in my Miss USA post? I could have very happily skipped over this part. It’s not like it really had anything to do with my Miss USA title. I’m sharing it because at that moment, no questions asked, the MUO team – especially P and A – were eager to protect me. A whisked me out of there right away and P was on the phone in seconds getting me in to my psychiatrist, and then both of them started creating what were essentially battle plans. P really cared about her titleholders. She saw me as a person and accepted my flaws. Yes she was my boss, but she saw herself as more than just that. Before this incident, I had never told anyone my history regarding sexual assault as I did not want to be pitied (still don’t), and I just didn’t want my name attached to this person whatsoever (still don’t). While I was not thrilled at what happened, I was relieved to know P was on my side. Others won’t go down in Miss Universe history with positive remarks about them, but P will. 

My Last 2 Months As Miss USA

It was so strange that we were already approaching one year since my crowning as Miss USA. Even though I had two months left, it was already time to start preparing for the next pageant. The next Miss USA pageant was going to be held in Las Vegas again, so I was going to be passing on my crown on the same stage I won. It was certainly going to be a full circle moment. The year had been wild. My life completely changed and it was never, ever, ever going to be the same ever again. I was forever going to be known as Miss USA 2011, whether I was the reigning queen or not. 

And now, 51 women that had won their state pageants were now going to be vying for my crown. 51 women were now in my shoes from a year ago, and I was in my predecessor’s shoes. To hype up the televised pageant, MUO flew in all 51 ladies for a week-long media tour in New York City. We visited spots like Live! With Kelly and Michael, the Today Show, and more while also making appearances at red carpet events around the city. It was giving the new contestants a glimpse into life as Miss USA. They all wanted to have my life, and one lucky young lady was about to in under 2 months. 

I had just a few more major events to attend, such as a breast cancer research gala with Elton John, walked the red carpet and attended the premiere of The Avengers at the Tribeca Film Festival, and filmed another reality show with Buddy Valastro’s cake baking competition on TLC (I was a judge this time!). As springtime was coming to an end, it was almost time to say goodbye to the Miss Universe apartment. That apartment had definitely seen a lot of shit. There were a lot of tears, a lot of meltdowns, some arguments, and a lot of emotions within those walls. Despite all the drama and all the stress of being Miss USA, I truly was going to miss that life. As the end was getting closer, the anxiety about what comes next was starting to eat at me. All that progress that I thought I was making with Dr. S seemed to be disappearing. It all started to come crashing down on me when I participated in my final photo shoot as Miss USA with Fadil. 

To take photos for the Miss USA 2012 program book and advertisements, I spent a day with Fadil shooting my outgoing photo shoot. The Miss Universe car picked me up at 8 am, and I spent the next 10 hours modeling all kinds of looks for the theme of the next year’s pageant – “Grecian goddess” mixed with “Black Swan.” How horrifically and painfully appropriate, since on the outside I looked like Odette the White Swan but on the inside my soul felt like Odile the Black Swan. Unlike my first photo shoot as Miss USA where I was extremely giddy and excited at the prospect of taking my crown photos, I had the complete opposite feeling at this shoot. While I usually had fun at photo shoots with Fadil and loved to goof around with everyone, I couldn’t bring myself to even talk for most of the day. I barely spoke to anyone. I barely ate lunch. Unless I was told to smile for the shot, I didn’t even smile. My mood was sour. I was wildly anxious, and everyone could tell I was not my usual self, especially E. At the end of the shoot, E told me the car was waiting for me downstairs. I said no thank you. She looked at me, confused. I said I wanted to take the subway back to the apartment. She asked if I was sure, and that she would feel better if I took the car, but I said no. I took the F train solo back to the Miss Universe apartment where I crumpled up in bed and forgot to order dinner. I was experiencing extreme emotions and intrusive thoughts, and I just did not know what to do with them or how to communicate with anybody about it. 

From here, my mood did not improve, and I began to make some poor choices regarding my behavior. I became bitchy, snippy, and rude. I said things during this time that I deeply regret. Clearly, major life changes in such a short period – becoming Miss USA and then unbecoming Miss USA – challenged my mental health in ways I never expected it to. But of course it does, and I didn’t know until later on that it didn’t just happen to me. But that part was never spoken about. It’s a hidden consequence of being Miss USA. We all do what we can to mask it as well as we can. Deep down, I was scared. I just didn’t know how to communicate that to anybody without sounding weak and pathetic. I was already embarrassed about having mental breakdowns during my reign, enough to get me sent home to recover, and I just began to feel like a liability again. I went from entering my state pageant last minute, to not expecting to win Miss USA, to winning Miss USA, to being expected to do well at Miss Universe, to completely flopping at Miss Universe, to spending 12 months working tirelessly as a national titleholder… it was a lot on me at my age. I just didn’t feel like I was going to be remembered as a worthy Miss USA. Not by the staff. Not by the fans. Not by anyone. Once I crown the next girl, I will be forgotten. The amount of pressure there is when you win, and then while you’re living that life, to now having to prepare to give it all up – is detrimental. Especially since I was only 21 years-old. In one night, my whole life changed. And in one night, it was about to change again. Despite knowing it was coming, there’s no amount of preparation that will help you get through what happens on the other side. It’s daunting. It’s terrifying. And, as I came to learn, it leads you to experience a disastrous identity crisis. 

Stay tuned for What Life Was Like After Miss USA – Part III coming soon.